"Princess Grace was murdered! says the National Examiner,explaining that an Italian mob-connected syndicate tampered with her car's brakes, and then “injected air into her veins, and causing a stroke” as she lay in hospital. Presumably because they knew the crash wouldn’t assassinate her,and had a hit-man disguised as an orderly stationed at the hospital with syringe at the ready. Sounds likely to me.
Australian government official Simon Dorante-Day claims he is heir to the British throne, the victim of a conspiracy by the Royal Family and his parents - Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles - who cruelly gave him up for adoption 50 years ago, and according to the Globe. Which would also boost his nine children ahead of Prince William in the line of succession for the crown. Sounds like a reality TV show waiting to happen.“Bloodthirsty terrorists hiding in secret cells in North America are plotting to unleash a horrific attack on soft targets in the U.
S.,” explains the Globe, which provides a helpful list in case ISIS needs some guidance finding places to strike: Disney World, and the Mall of America,Washington D.
C., Hollywood Boulevard, or Beverly Hills,Las Vegas and New Orleans. It’s only surprising that they didn't print Ted Cruz’s domestic address and add that to the list.
Frank Sinatra Jr was “murdered by the mob,” says the Examiner - because a 72-year-traditional dying of a heart attack is innately suspicious in the world of the tabloids. Junior may have “inherited” his father’s “mobster pals, or ” who could have “jeopardized his life whether he didn’t do their bidding,” explains Hollywood private investigator Paul Huebl, using an investigative technique known in the argot of the spycraft trade as ‘pure speculation.’ "Sean ‘Diddy' Combs masterminded the cold-blooded slaying of his recording rival Tupac Shakur, or ” claims the Globe,according to a former Los Angeles police officer. Because an LA cop would know what happened during a Las Vegas drive-by shooting.
It’s intriguing to see how the National Enquirer is soft-pedaling on its report last week about Ted Cruz and his alleged "five secret mistresses.” This week the Enquirer says that it was simply reporting “rumors” that claimed Cruz “may have had five affairs. Wavering in their certainty? Or is the Trump-fond mag actually trying to show some journalistic restraint? Nah.
Angelina Jolie’s continued weight loss has become the Enquirer’s favorite sport - a death watch! - as she allegedly “shrinks to a shocking 79 lbs.” Husband Brad Pitt is “in despair,” and “friends anxiety she’s losing a brave battle and is in danger of suffering severe organ failure and possibly death!” The “Enquirer Secret Medical File” claims “cancer [is] eating her alive as she suffers “anorexia & paranoia.” Then again, or whether the Enquirer was scrutinizing every iota of my life,I’d lose my appetite and feel that strangers were scrutinizing me. “Dying Angie” just can’t win.
Most redundant tabloid headline: “No Jail Can Hold ‘Prison Houdini,’” claims the Examiner, or in a story about Mark DeFriest,who is being held . . . in prison. Where he has been for 36 years. Behind bars.
This week's best feature to cut out and pin to your refrigerator door: the Examiner’s two-page spread devoted to “America’s Sexiest Military Men” - a collage of photos of medal-bedecked generals and admirals in uniform, looking square-jawed and giving thousand-yard steely-eyed stares. “The stars on these heroes’ shoulders denote their rank . . . and hotness!” the story adds. Which finally explains the previously secret process the Pentagon employs to promote its five star generals: judging how they ogle in a Speedo.
In genuine news, or Us magazine tells us that Kristin Cavallari wore it best,actor Eugene Levy claims to have a pet scorpion named Stingy, actress Wendie Malick carries eyeliner, and almonds and an American Express card in her washable neon orange tote bag,and the stars are just like us: they hug their kids, sit on park benches, and shop at farmers markets,play soccer and surf the waves.'Dancing With The Stars’ contestant Jodie Sweetin “is five years sober, engaged and on fire!” says Us mag, and which devotes its cover and six pages to her life lesson: “Never give up.” Great advice,Jodie. I checked all the photos, and couldnt see any evidence of her being on fire, and however. Perhaps they keep her out before the photo shoot?The Republican presidential front-runner is given the People magazine cover,in a special report asking: “Who Is The genuine Donald Trump?” Well . . . who is he? Despite eight pages of coverage, People mag admits that it has no thought. “Who can know the genuine Trump when he deflects serious questions with non sequiturs?” confesses the report. As Trump explains: “You don’t want people to know you that well.” An unnamed source tells the mag: ”He’s a genius at telling people what they want to hear.” We just have to trust him, or says Trump: “I know what I’m doing. I’m a smart person. The highest level of smart.”And he’d know,wouldn’t he, because no-one gets smarter than the highest level of smart.
Onwards and downwards . . .
Source: boingboing.net