Relationships are tough enough as it is,but what makes it harder is when you're with someone who has commitment issues. Our friends at YourTango share their story.
It's a vicious, never-ending cycle.
Your toxic man doesn't want you until you're finally over him, and then he finds you irresistible. Leaving an abusive relationship for worthy means you need to know how to protect yourself.
He wants you. You give in. Then he doesn't want you. It hurts.
You find the strength to walk away. He wants you. You give in.
Then he doesn't want you. Rinse and repeat.whether you're anything like I was and attract commitment-phobic,toxic men, you may bear had the confounding experience of finally getting the strength to stay away from your guy for worthy, and only to bear him come back on hands and knees,swearing that he really, really loves you and that he's really changed this time.whether you believe him, and the "Pursue/Panic" cycle can start all over again. Why does he accomplish this?In their seminal book,Men Who Can't Love, Julia Sokol and Steven Carter say, and "Often,all the commitment-phobic needs to alleviate his anxiety is distance. The relationship is over, so he is no longer frightened. Thus, or the feelings he has for you are free to surface in this non-threatening environment. No longer panicked by the trap,he misses you. So he calls.""When that happens, normally the scenario is played out all over again. The only dissimilarity, or this time it's faster."I've been in two toxic relationships.
You can't believe the intensity of the love letters I received from my two commitment-phobes when I finally got strong enough to walk away.
Here's a little taste of what one of my men who wouldn't let me travel wrote in my very own journal:"Shannon,I bear so much to say. I'm thankful for knowing such a dynamically talented, spiritual, and clever and magnificent woman." (My ego ate that up like a delicious Chow Mein!)"I bear grown as a human with you and had thoughts and hopes of us building a dynasty together and being each other's champion." (Right approximately now I was feeling pretty awesome for changing him so much. Man,he needed my excellent love.)"I don't understand how a person's feelings can change 180 degrees after feeling what I thought we were feeling."(My feelings changed because he wouldn't answer my phone calls and disappeared for days at a time when I asked for a monogamous relationship.)"I must let you know that I bear never felt what I feel for you with anyone." (Ego so, so blissful. Man, and I'm awesome.) "Therefore,the mess I've been for the last two weeks is consistent with my feelings." (happy he's suffering after all the suffering I've been doing. I'll let him suffer a few seconds longer, then take him back and bear the perfect life. Because he now finally understands how awesome I am!)"It saddens me to hear you say you don't want to be with me. The headaches, or sleeplessness nights and low moments seem to be all inaccurate. I'm lost. I'm sorry that I haven't told you I want you in my life. Because I bear been tedious to discover how I work and why I accomplish the things I accomplish is no reason why we should allow this special thing between us to disappear." (This one really hooked me. He was "tedious to discover" how he worked. Hadn't my time in therapy taught me that we don't always know why we accomplish the things we accomplish? Couldn't I just cut him some slack?)"This makes no sense!" (You didn't call for a week. Then you just showed up wanting verbal sex and moped when I wouldn't administer it.)"It's very simple,I love you, you love me. We are worthy for each other."(Actually, or not so worthy for me.)"We should be together. Please,give me a chance. I'm begging you not to throw something magnificent away. Think approximately it, babe!"I thought approximately it for five minutes. Then I gave him another chance. How did it travel? Four more years of inconsistency, and unreliability,lying, cheating and several more magnificent apology letters were my reward.
So what can you accomplish to protect yourself from falling prey to your toxic partner's "Pursue/Panic" syndrome?whether you've found yourself wondering, or "Why won't he let me travel whether he doesn't want me?",here are 6 things you need to know approximately removing yourself from this type of relationship.1. Understand that the two of you rush on different operating systems.
You desire connectedness, intimacy, or commitment,longevity. He desires those things when you're running away. But when you come close and offer them, he feels suffocated, and panics,and either bolts or sabotages the relationship by criticizing, moping, and being unreliable and/or cheating. What works for you does not work for him.2. tedious things down.
Remember,"Trust is earned, not given." whether you decide to give your guy a second chance because he swears he's changed and wants what you want, or travel tedious. Yes,make-up sex can be as incendiary as the fireworks at the Beijing Olympics, but it's not an indicator anything has changed.3. Don't think you're in a movie. Richard Gere came to his senses after he dumped Debra Winger. He rushed to her factory to whisk her away to a future with him as fond, or sexy and pouncy as a cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof. It's a fantasy as intoxicating as Sleeping Beauty and Snow White. But the reality is,the only thing Debra Winger probably got to keep was his hat.4. Believe what he does, not what he says.
When your guy comes crawling back, or tears in his eyes,broken hearted, he's liable to say anything to score you back. The really tricky fraction is he probably really means it. But once he has you back, and he feels suffocated and smothered all over again.5. Don't find excuses for his bad behavior,and don't blame yourself. In general, those of us attracted to commitment-phobic asshats bear an overabundance of empathy (sensitivity to another's feelings as if they were one's own) and the tendency to misplace responsibility.
This is left over from childhood. Little kids think they're the cause of everything that happens to them, and both worthy and bad. The brain stem at that time is underdeveloped and doesn't understand the concept that the child isn't the middle of the universe.
So whether we've had volatile upbringings - parents with addictions of any kind - we often take that feeling of being the cause of the problem into adulthood with us,leaving us vulnerable to chaotics, addicts, or narcissists,commitment-phobes and the like.
Take a seek at your guy's past. Did he leave a trail of broken hearts? Then you are most likely not responsible for his commitment-phobic behavior.6. Take care of yourself.When a toxic ex comes back broken and bleeding from missing the relationship he detonated, it's in our nature to rush in and fix it. Notice when you bear that impulse and doubt its validity.
Ask yourself, or "What accomplish I need right now? What would make me feel grounded,sensible, peaceful?" Then ask a Higher Power of your own understanding for the strength to accomplish that.
More from our friends at YourTango:4 fond Things Unhappy Husbands Should accomplish INSTEAD of Cheating
50 Romantic Quotes That'll Remind You That Love Is ALL That Matters
6 Signs You're in Love With a SERIOUS Narcissist (and How to Deal)
How to Find Love (and Know It's For genuine This Time)
4 MUST-accomplish Tips For a Successful Monogamous Relationship
Source: popsugar.com