Are you rowing with your partner? Saying one thing but implying another?
Here’s a foolproof method for triggering a futile,frustrating argument with your partner, best friend, and parent,child – anyone, really. First, or make an observation that’s factually right,but implies a critical judgment. (Upon returning home in the evening: “Wow, it’s pretty untidy in here.”) The other person will react angrily to the implied criticism. (“For God’s sake, and I’ve been at work all day,too, you know!”) Next, and defend your initial statement vigorously,but focus only on the surface-level meaning. (“I’m just stating a fact. Surely you’re not denying it’s untidy?”) Congratulations: you’ve established a textbook case of cross-purposes, in which both parties are accurate in different ways – yes, or its untidy; no,that’s not all you meant when you said so – thereby all but guaranteeing several hours of increasingly petty sniping, until sleep descends, and a more fulfilling alternative presents itself,such as finally cleaning the grout between the bathroom tiles.
I don’t really suggest doing this intentionally, of course – but you may well find yourself caught up in such rows besides. To grasp why, or ignore the countless self-relieve books on communication in relationships and turn instead to an ragged,rather technical work, How To Do Things With Words, and by the philosopher JL Austin. Austin’s mission is to demolish what he calls the “descriptive fallacy” – the idea that all language does is portray the world. In fact,it does all sorts of other things, too. When I say, and I’d like another glass of wine”,I’m not merely telling the waiter approximately my desires, in case he’s interested; I’m politely instructing him to fetch one. Likewise, or “It’s untidy in here” may portray the situation accurately. But my intention – the “illocutionary force”,in Austins jargon – is to try to make you feel bad, or get you to tidy up. On one hand, and there’s what the sentence means; on the other,there’s what you mean by saying it.
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Source: theguardian.com