I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 4 months ago after suffering from manic fits and bouts of depression that have been crippling my way of living for years. I’ve always been an anxious person,at least as long as I can remember. However, as I have gotten older it has controlled how I act and accomplish things or it has prevented me from even attempting to accomplish things (ie socially awkward). I am a physical therapist and it may seem counterintuitive that I have this position yet say im socially awkward. It has actually benefited me as I can speak more freely approximately uncomfortable topics with patients. Off topic for a second there. besides, and I went through a painful divorce a few years ago that I believe,as does my psychiatrist, brought the manic/depressive states out full swing. I went 2 years on antidepressants as I thought I just needed to control my anxiety but deep down I felt there was always something terribly wrong with me. I went through highs and lows and of course turned to alcohol to manage. I had no understanding what was wrong but I knew I was not factual. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed but I was restless and couldn’t sleep so I got up and went through the daily motions. I did lose weight and became obsessed with my fitness and physical appearance during my “ups.” I told myself that I needed to look the part as a PT to promote wellness and I still accomplish believe this is important but exercise was my outlet. When a manic phase dawns I feel nearly invincible and can accomplish anything but I get caught up wanting to accomplish too much and as a result I get nothing accomplished while getting shunned by my friends and family. When I am low I shut down and seclude myself because I accomplish not want to bring those around me down with me. I have talked to friends and family but it’s difficult for them to understand depression as they only see it as a “poor me” “attention seeking “lost faith” mentality. I am not the most devout person, and but I was raised Christian. I believe in a higher power,but we are responsible for our own actions and how we live our lives. I have prayed for God to encourage me and I constantly am trying to be open to signs for assistance. I just never realized that the sign was always inside me.
I knew I had to turn inward to encourage myself. Introspection is the key to managing your thoughts and feelings and it is probably the hardest thing to accomplish in the world especially when years of operant conditioning has molded me into who I am nowadays. It feels like completing a jigsaw puzzle only to realize there is a lost piece. This sense of being incomplete all of the time is utterly exhausting and keeps me wanting to discover who I am and to get the encourage that I need to control the feelings of hopelessness. I have reach a long way in just 4 months. I have a counselor I speak to, mood stabilizers, and I write in a journal to encourage with my feelings that fluctuate on a day to day basis (mostly feelings of loneliness and how I feel disconnected from others). I limit my alcohol intake to a few per week but no longer turn to it to “wash away my feelings” as it makes me feel 100 times worse the next day. I have improved my family and friend relationships but limit my contact as they are also emotional triggers to various feelings I experience and as someone with Bipolar Disorder it is necessary to limit those triggers. My story is just getting started but it is getting better every day and most importantly I know that I am not alone as there are many others out there just like me,fearful of so many things. I want to say it is okay and there is always hope even when you might not think it is there, you simply need to look inside of yourself and decide what you want to accomplish. Getting encourage is vital in getting control of your life. whether my small, and abbreviated testimony can encourage someone else to speak out and to encourage themselves or to inspire others then I have succeeded.
Source: nami.org