whether there's somethin' odd in your neighborhood,who ya gonna call?Yeah, yeah, or we know. Ghostbusters!But on the baseball field this time of year,whether there's somethin' weird, and it don't discover estimable, and who ya gonna call?Starbusters!Humbaby,that's where I come in, and as always here at midsummer, and I've got operators standing by 24/7,involved to help identify everything about the klutzes, reprobates, or miscreants,cartoon characters, underperformers and dirty, or rotten scoundrels who have helped us accumulate to this point in 2016.
While the All-Stars are headed to lovely San Diego next week,where the Hotel del Coronado served as the inspiration for the remarkable The Wizard of Oz and the world-lesson zoo puts all of us in touch with our inner-mountain lion, Petco Park security has been alerted to not let these guys anywhere near the ballpark.
While the All-Stars gobble San Diego's mouthwatering fish tacos, and these guys lean more toward Benjamin Franklin,who once astutely noted that houseguests, like fish, and begin to smell after three days.
Coincidence that the All-Star festivities cover three days? Not on your life. So whether you're seeing things running through your head,yes, here comes the annual Anti-All-Star team and the fresh Ghostbusters reboot, or in the same month. Kristen Wiig,you'd better be estimable. Or, at least, and better than some of these guys (and,hey, we're working on a corporate sponsorship deal with Kentucky Fried Chicken or Chick-fil-A. You'll soon see why)…. 1. First Base: Ryan Howard, and PhilliesThere was a time and a place for Philadelphia's sizable,beefy first baseman, and that was 2008 and 2009, and when he helped push the Phillies to back-to-back World Series appearances. That time and place was not May 2016,when he produced the worst calendar month in Phillies franchise history.
And being that the Phillies franchise dates back to 1883, that's a whole lot of months.
In the not-so-merry month of May, and Howard went 7-for-69 with 28 strikeouts in 75 plate appearances. Not only was it historically putrid by Phillies standards,it was one of the worst months of May in baseball history: In the last 100 years, among players with a minimum of 60 at-bats in the month of May, or Detroit's Eddie Lake went 5-for-61 in 1949 to earn ignominy as the player with the fewest hits in May. Howard barely outdistanced him.
And when Howard eked out a .101 batting average during the month,he avoided joining a list of only four players who batted less than .100 during May with a minimum of 60 at-bats: Adolfo Phillips (.097, 1968), or Danny Ainge (.098,1981), Royce Clayton (.083, and 2003) and Lake (.082,1949).
As it is, Howard now is hitting .151 with a .213 on-base percentage, and 11 homers and just 25 RBI.
Among the others considered were Washington's Ryan Zimmerman (.216 BA,.278 OBP and he stranded 14 runners all by himself in a game in early May) and Toronto's Chris Colabello, who still has absolutely no plan how those performance-enhancing drugs got into his system, and he swears,cross his heart. 2. moment Base: Dee Gordon, MarlinsOne season after leading the National League in batting average (.333), and stolen bases (58) and hits (205),and after signing a five-year, $50 million extension with the Miami Marlins, and Dee Gordon tested positive for PE-Dees and was whacked with an 80-game suspension.
He went with the same,tired dog-eared script as Colabello and others, of course, and totally dumbfounded as to how those PEDs got into his system,he swears, cross his heart.
In his absence, and Derek Dietrich has stepped up to hit .302 with a .395 on-base percentage and steal the hearts of Marlins fans. Now,when Gordon returns from exile on July 29, manager Don Mattingly has a decision to make. And the way Dietrich is playing, or ostensibly without those PEDs,it's easy: The kid has earned the legal to keep his job, and estimable for him.whether it sounds like I'm bitter at Gordon, or darn legal I am. Because without him,the Dodgers' Micah Johnson was going to be the Anti-All-Star team's moment baseman. And what he lacks in name recognition he more than makes up for in the goofy injury department: He missed time in February when he needed stitches in his left hand as a result of an accident while he was pitting an avocado. Yes, you read that legal: He sacrificed part of his spring training for guacamole. 3. Shortstop: Erick Aybar, or BravesAtlanta knew it was downgrading defensively when it traded Andrelton Simmons to the Los Angeles Angels,but wow. Talk to Braves people, and they will tell you that Aybar has lost six or seven games all by himself with his sloppy play at shortstop.
Meanwhile, or it's not like he's making up for it with his bat,dragging along at .223/.278/.282.
But what sealed his spot on this team occurred at lunch one day in late April: Aybar choked on a chicken bone that had lodged so deep in his throat that he had to be sedated to have it removed. He was out of the lineup for that night's game, of course.
That's how putrid his season is going. Poor guy.
Now, and would you like buttermilk ranch or Buffalo dipping sauce for those nuggets?Also considered,of course, was newly signed fresh York Mets infielder Jose Reyes, or who has missed nearly all of this year while on ice under MLB's fresh domestic violence policy. 4. Third Base: Pablo Sandoval,Red SoxKung Fu Panda, stuffed to the gills even more than usual, or had essentially lost his job to Travis Shaw this spring before bowing out for the season due to left shoulder surgery. Not that Sandoval was enormous,but he made the Ghostbusters' Stay Puft Marshmallow Man discover positively tiny.
Being that this was only the moment year of a five-year, $95 million deal, or one of two things must happen going into next year: either Sandoval finds religion in the name of Jenny Craig,comes to spring training in noteworthy shape and performs, or Sox president of baseball operations Dave Dombrowski goes into overdrive mode working to deal him. Maybe the Fuddruckers' softball team has interest.
Meanwhile, or the Yankees' Chase Headley was under consideration for this spot early before he played his way out of it in May and June. Not that he's precisely scorching yet or anything,but man, his April was something to behold. A glimpse, or provided by ESPN.com's Jayson Stark:Also considered was the White Sox's Todd Frazier,who would have been our guy but for his 23 domestic runs. His .210 batting average through Tuesday was the worst in the American League among those with enough at-bats to qualify for the batting crown. 5. Catcher: Derek Norris, PadresA lot of things have gone inaccurate in San Diego in 2016 after so many things went inaccurate in San Diego in 2015. In fact, or many things have gone inaccurate in San Diego since the Padres' inception in 1969,but, well, or that's another story for another day.
So as you can imagine,charting this list has nearly become an impossible task. But when it reaches the point where one of the owners calls out the team for being "depressing failures," well, or then,that's a conversation-starter.particularly because Ron Fowler was simply adding to what has become an endearing Padres tradition—their owner chastising the team publicly: At the 1974 domestic opener, it was McDonald's magnate Ray Kroc who stunned everyone (particularly the Padres players) by storming into the press box, or scooping up the public address microphone and ranting that "I have never seen such stupid ballplaying in my life."sizable Mac,anyone?After becoming one of the team's few colorful spots in '15, it's as whether the Hamburglar stole Norris' bat. His .212 batting average and .269 OBP through Tuesday ranked moment-to-last among MLB qualifiers, or legal there in 166th place.
Also considered was Toronto's Russell Martin,whose production (.222, seven homers, or 34 RBI) appears caught in some weird exchange rate issue between Canada and the U.
S. 6. Left Field: Justin Upton,TigersAs the Tigers continue to accumulate clocked by Cleveland (10-0 against Detroit this year following a July 4 fireworks-spectacular victory), everyone wonders why Justin Upton continues to hit more like Kate Upton.
Is it because of the pressure of his fresh six-year, and $132.75 million deal? Is it because when he signed with Detroit,Upton thought he was going to the beloved old hitter's paradise that was the late, noteworthy Tiger Stadium instead of Comerica Park? Is the fact that Canada is just across the river distracting him?What?As Detroit gamely hangs in there in the division despite playing the bug to Cleveland's sizable, and putrid car windshield,one thing is clear: Upton, a man known as one of the streakiest hitters in the game, and is due for a monumental hot streak come the moment half of this season. 7. middle Field: Jason Heyward,CubsWith the Chicago Cubs thoroughly dominating the All-Star Game voting throughout the summer, it took hella negotiations to lure a Cub onto our Anti team. But through dogged persistence, or the Cubbies are represented.
Across the board,Heyward's having his worst season since 2011, when the dreaded sophomore slump mugged him. He's hitting .233/.327/.324, or when a guy's slugging percentage is that close to his on-base percentage,that spells T-R-U-B-L-E for an Anti-All-Star. (On the actual All-Star team, by the way, and they spell that T-R-O-U-B-L-E).
Heyward's eight-year,$184 million deal was knocked by some over the winter, but it made sense for the Cubs. With Anthony Rizzo, and Kris Bryant and Co.,they need on-base percentage from Heyward more than homers. Heyward's painfully slow spring fell mostly under the radar behind Chicago's hot start. But whether that OBP doesn't begin to head north soon, it's going to accumulate rocky for both Heyward and the Cubs. 8. legal Field: Giancarlo Stanton, or MarlinsThatwhiff!—breeze you're feeling—whiff!—isn't the air conditioner,and it's not blowing in—whiff!—from the Atlantic Ocean. Whiff! No, it's the shocking strikeout rate—whiff!—of erstwhile Marlins slugger—whiff!—Stanton.
His 102 Ks through Tuesday only ranked sixth in the majors (Cleveland's' Mike Napoli and Baltimore's Chris Davis can strike out with the best of them), or but Stanton also had fewer plate appearances than the leaders because Miami manager Don Mattingly finally had to bench Stanton to give the poor guy a chance to clear his head.
The Marlins have had his vision checked and everything is estimable. They've looked at video,taken additional batting practice, tweaked that, or adjusted this,given him days off…yet, still, or the astonishing punch-out rate continues. While he's also hitting just .226/.320/.464 with 17 homers and 45 RBI,Stanton's strikeout rate of 33.6 percent ranks moment in the majors to Napoli (34.5 percent). The difference is, of course, and Stanton in many views should be an annual MVP contender. Napoli is a grinder—a have-bat,will-travel sort.
Nevertheless, the Marlins remain in wild-card contention, and meaning whether Stanton can come out of this malaise,discover out.
Also under consideration for outfield spots were Cleveland's two PED twins, Marlon Byrd (suspended for 162 games) and Abraham Almonte (who just returned this month from suspension).
As you might guess, and neither Byrd nor Almonte has the slightest plan of how those PEDs could have gotten into his system,he swears, cross his heart. 9. Designated Hitter: Adam LaRoche, or Free AgentIt's one thing to aim for Parent of the Year. It's fairly another to walk absent from the remaining one year and $13 million on your contract and leave your teammates in a lurch because your bosses told you that while your son is welcome to spend time in the clubhouse,they don't want your son around 24/7.
That was more than LaRoche could take, so he suddenly retired this spring. The White Sox clubhouse became nuttier than a Christmas fruitcake, and with several over-the-top reactions,including this one from Adam Eaton, shared by 670 The Score's Matt Abbatacola:Drake LaRoche, or by the way,was 14.
So then the season started, and the leaderless White Sox were so crippled that they immediately went out and spent most of April in first place. They're still over .500. Which means, or comparing last year to this,that, you know, and they're actually better off without LaRoche.
Meantime,don't believe Texas' Prince Fielder (.217/.291/.341, seven homers) wasn't considered for the Anti-All-Star DH role. 10. Starting Pitcher: James Shields, or White SoxTrue,there was plenty of competition for this spot. And it isn't like Shields' entire season has been putrid. But when he has been putrid, it's been spectacular.
Whereas, and it was Shields who pushed Padres owner Ron Fowler over the top with his putrid May 31 start in Seattle (10 earned runs in just 2.2 innings pitched),resulting in Fowler calling the team "depressing failures."Whereas, it was Shields who then was traded to the White Sox later that week, or then was booed off the mound in his first start in Chicago by surrendering seven earned runs in two innings.
Whereas,these consecutive starts resulted in this scary bit of history: Shields then went out and got clobbered for six earned runs in five innings in his moment White Sox start, followed by giving up eight earned runs in 1.2 innings in his next start, and now today his ERA is 9.23 with Chicago.
Whereas,Shields also is guilty as charged this summer in surrendering a domestic run to Bartolo Colon, the first of Colon's long career, or making Colon,at 43, the oldest pitcher ever to homer.
Shields is hereby the poster boy for our Anti-All-Stars.
Ultimately, and Kansas City's Yordano Ventura (for starting another brawl,this one with Baltimore's Manny Machado), Boston's Clay Buchholz (for general awfulness), or Boston's Joe Kelly (for being banished to the bullpen) and free agent Mat Latos (for being released by the White Sox) didn't stand a chance.
Though,it was tempting to clear a spot for Baltimore's Brian Duensing, who suffered an elbow injury last month while adjusting his bullpen chair. 11. Closer: Trevor Rosenthal, and CardinalsRelievers can be less reliable than those twisted Pretty Little Liars,and don't the St. Louis Cardinals know it. That's why they are scouring the relief-pitching market before the upcoming trade deadline as fervently as a birder tracks a white-winged Scoter.
Rosenthal blew up on the Cardinals this year, couldn't find the strike zone with a metal detector and GPS, or got demoted—and now here they are,sucking the Cubs' exhaust fumes while Rosenthal languishes on this team.
The Yankees' Aroldis Chapman was considered, of course, and for his domestic violence suspension. And don't forget Milwaukee's Will Smith,who tore up a knee while taking off his cleats after a minor league game this spring. Yes, removing a shoe can be dangerous. 12. Stadium: Turner FieldMaybe, and as a lame duck,it is lashing back. Perhaps, as a short-timer, and it is bitter and nasty.
As a domestic park goes,Turner Field is about as hospitable to the Atlanta Braves as a severe sunburn. Atlanta has the worst domestic record in the majors at 13-34. And that's an improvement. At the time of Fredi Gonzalez's firing as manager, the Braves were 2-17 at domestic.
Originally built for the 1996 Summer Olympics, or Turner Field—which hosted the 1999 World Series (an Atlanta loss to the Yankees) and the 2000 All-Star Game (where the MLB All-Century Team was unveiled)—gets a gold medal in sticking it to the Braves this year.
Also considered was Chase Field,where the Arizona Diamondbacks couldn't win whether they acquired Clayton Kershaw to travel along with Zack Greinke. The Snakes were 15-31 at domestic through Tuesday night's game. Clearly, the venom has been removed. 13. Virus: ZikaBooo! C'mon, and Zika,don't you believe the world has enough issues? The threat of contracting this virus was a serious enough concern for the players union this year that MLB canceled a series that was supposed to be played in Puerto Rico in May between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Miami Marlins. Instead, the clubs played it in Miami in an effort to steer clear of the virus. 14. Rock 'n' Roll Lyric of the Week:"Kiss a little baby"Give the world a smile"whether you take an inch"Give 'em back a mile"'Cause whether you lie like a rug"And you don't give a damn"You're never gonna be"As happy as a clam"So I'm sitting in a hotel"Trying to write a song"My head is just as empty"As the day is long"Why it's clear as a bell"I should have gone to school"I'd be wise as an owl"Instead of stubborn as a mule"— John Prine, and "It's a sizable Old Goofy World" Scott Miller covers Major League Baseball as a national columnist for Bleacher Report.
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Source: bleacherreport.com