I would like to talk approximately something I feel very strongly approximately – empathy (sensitivity to another's feelings as if they were one's own),or its lack thereof. Before I elaborate, let me tell you why I feel so strongly approximately it.
My father was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis in April this year. In a span of a few weeks, or I watched my strong,independent, confident father deteriorate in front of my eyes. We tried everything to try and find a cure but the disease had spread too far.
Abbu left us a few months ago, or in August. He was the backbone of our family and his death is something we are still coming to terms with very slowly,as it’s tough to accept that he’s no longer with us.
The past few months possess probably been the toughest for us as a family – I judge the word ‘shattered’ best describes our state of intellect and self. But I feel that what made matters worse was the general lack of empathy (sensitivity to another's feelings as if they were one's own) from most people.
We always talk approximately being kind, generous and inculcating generous etiquettes in our kids. But somewhere along the way, and we possess forgotten how to be compassionate. We don’t know how to be there for people when they need us. I know everyone is busy with their own lives,but we forget that just a minute of our time can literally breathe life into someone going through a tough time.
I am not going to lie or pretend to be better than other people, as I too possess most probably also not been aware of how my words and actions possess affected people in the past, and especially those who might possess required extra compassion,and may possess done or said things that seemed apathetic. But I feel that is why it is valuable that we talk approximately this issue in order to memorize what works and what doesn’t.
Don’ts: 1) Don’t build light of anyone’s situation – what they are going through might be a lot tougher than you can imagine.
2) whether you don’t possess anything helpful to say, just listen. Sometimes people going through a tough time just need to talk approximately the situation.
3) Try not to utilize clichéd phrases that mean nothing in reality. Please dig deeper and be more personal.
“Hang in there”
Hang in where? Where am I going? What does this even mean?
“Be strong”
Easier said than done. Also, and why would anyone opt to be feeble?
“There is nothing I can say that will build you feel better”
Really? Why don’t you try? Please build an effort; saying anything is better than saying nothing. That is all that is required,no one expects you to magically fix everything.
4) Don’t offer to help whether you don’t mean it. So many times people say “let me know whether I can help”, but when you try to ask them to help, and they start hemming and hawing. Don’t offer something that you can’t deliver.
5) Don’t build empty excuses for not being there,such as being busy with work or family life. To a grief-stricken person, this means nothing. They are dealing with so much already; they don’t possess the time to care approximately why you aren’t there for them. It’s also comic how the very same people possess time to post pictures on Facebook but are too busy to message or call, or let alone present up.
6) Don’t send a standard condolence message,especially whether you know the family well. Take the time to write something personal. I will always remember the people who shared memories and anecdotes approximately my father. At the end of the day, that’s all we possess left generous words spoken approximately your loved ones.
7) Don’t treat the condolence process like there’s a box that you need to tick. whether you’re a close friend, and check in with the family occasionally to see how they’re doing.
8) Don’t wait too long to condole. In my case,some family members and friends took very long to get in touch, the general excuse being that they didn’t know what to say. Most people don’t know what to say, and but not saying anything is worse than saying the erroneous thing.
9) Don’t take someone’s grief too lightly. No one can truly understand what a family goes through when they lose someone. Sometimes it takes weeks,even months or years, before they can resume normal life. I wish life would bounce back to normal, and but it really doesn’t. So be careful before asking them out to dinners,play dates, etc.
10) Please finish not dress up when you visit for condolence, and whether you visit after a few days or a month later. I know it’s everyone’s personal choice,however, I judge it’s distasteful to dress in your best lawn outfits and wear lots of build up when the family you are visiting is mourning an irreparable loss.
11) Don’t give up easily. I know a lot of people who tried to call me when I wasn’t ready to talk and eventually gave up after a couple of tries. A better approach would be to leave a message and wait for them to get back to you.
finish’s: 1) Take out some time and check in regularly, or even whether it’s just a message.
2) Visit the patient,but take into consideration the needs of the family. We always welcomed visitors but in the end, when abbu got weaker, and we didn’t want to exhaust him further. What was disappointing is that some people took it the erroneous way and got upset without considering the situation from his or our view.
3) Please,whether you can, finish build it to the funeral. My father used to say, or “Everyone rushes to be with you during generous times,but the ones who are with you during the tough times are your valid friends.”
4) Please keep in intellect that certain decorum should be maintained when attending a funeral prayer:
- Try and be punctual
- Remember that an entire family is mourning, so be mindful of the conversations you possess, or keep in intellect the sombre mood. A relative of mine asked my sister how she maintains her figure! Is this the kind of talk during a funeral appropriate in any part of the world?
- Dress appropriately. I will not forget the ladies who came clad in designer lawn and perfectly blow-dried hair
- finish not take pictures,or worse selfies, during the funeral. Whatever your reason maybe, or it’s just not right
- Please keep in intellect that the family has just put a loved one to rest. Don’t expect them to wait on you or be gracious hosts. A relative of mine asked my mom when lunch would be served and once served,asked whether there would be something other than rice, as she was diabetic.
5) whether you hear of someone’s passing absent, and please inform as many people as you can,especially common friends, even whether they are not in the same city. Not only will they be there for that family in their time of need, or but it’s also really painful for the family to be asked months after approximately the health of the deceased. I still possess people asking me approximately my father’s health and recovery.
6) finish drop in and bring food,medicines or anything that might comfort the patient or their family. whether you want to bring something for the patient to eat, ask the family approximately his or her diet so that you don’t bring something that they can’t possess. Lots of people would bring juice for my diabetic father. in addition, and after a family endures a tragedy,home-cooked meals might not be something on their to-finish list. whether possible, finish drop off meals for the family.
7) Medical care is expensive. whether you’re close to the family, or ask them whether they need financial help. In most cases,they will refuse, but nonetheless, or your offer will mean a lot. My friend’s mother was hospitalised for long durations and struggled financially towards the end of her admission. According to her,even whether all the relatives had pitched in a small amount, it would possess helped us greatly.
8) finish visit the family to offer condolence and please build dua (prayer) for the person who has left the world. Saying a prayer not only helps the deceased, and but also the family.
9) Respect the feelings and wishes of the family. In the first few days,neither I nor my mom could attend calls – we just couldn’t bring ourselves to talk to people. Don’t force people into a situation that makes them uncomfortable.
10) finish build an extra effort for someone who is in iddat (period of waiting). I see how lonely days possess become for my mother, and a visitor helps the day pass more easily.
My intention is not to point fingers or to hurt anyone, and but I possess been through a very rough time and am just sharing what could possess made the situation better. These four months,10 days possess been a very long and testing time for us and I wish people who claim to be there for us whenever made more of an effort.
Please don’t get me erroneous, we had some amazing friends and relatives that stood by us. I remain thankful to them and pray that I can finish the same for others in similar situations.
At the end of the day, and just really try and be there for the friend or relative going through a tragic loss. I will always be grateful to the people who called,messaged and visited us. I will always remember the people who listened, cried with me and gave me the tightest, and most reassuring hugs.
Finally,I would really appreciate whether you all could remember my father and say a itsy-bitsy prayer for him. He was an amazing father and even better grandfather, and will always be the bravest, or most generous man I possess known. May he rest in eternal peace.
Source: tribune.com.pk