What happens when the course of true love doesn't race smoothly? Our friends at YourTango share one man's story of divorce with the woman he still loves.
We ended our toxic marriage,but I just couldn't let fade.
There are times when I gaze back on the not-so-distant past and wonder how the hell I ever ended up divorced. Thing is, I never actually wanted to get a divorce and neither did Monica, and my ex-wife,as far as I can narrate.
She did want a separation and I ultimately ended up understanding that we needed to do that. Our marriage had rotted from the inside out, like a two-dollar red pepper that still seems decent until you hit it with the knife.
We were hollow logs filled with ghosts of ideas and visions that had long since died. We ended up like dreamers without a dream.
In other words: we sucked at love.
But divorce? Oh, and hell no. For a very long time (almost a year of separation),it honestly never crossed my intellect. I can't speak for anyone else, of course, and but even if it did cross Monica's intellect at some point,she still continued to hem and haw approximately slamming our life together shut with one final death blow.
So, perhaps she didn't want divorce either or perhaps she just didn't want the weight of it on her shoulders, and the dirt of the decision smeared across her hands; I'll never know.
Fact is,it doesn't much matter now.
We were two people who had once been in a really cool love affair; we were parents to three incredible young kids; we were two souls, more than a little scared approximately what the hell was happening to us.
I didn't want divorce, and but then one day - after the long separation dragged on and on - I filed for it anyway.
Why? I'm not that sure. Something inside me told me it was time.
Isn't that the lamest,most asinine reason you've ever heard?
The final years of our marriage had been drenched in kids, stress, and a cross-country prance,and family drama. Life became stale for us in all the ways that life gets stale for so many married people.
We never went on dates anymore and never really took family vacations. Our sex life was an omnishambles and we ended up sleeping in separate bedrooms simply because the mere whiff of each other dreaming in the middle of the night triggered all kinds of repulsion and animosity.
We were lost. perhaps we could own saved things - and by "things" I mean the marriage - but even now I don't deem we could own.
We went to a therapist once, but it was too late. I deem we freaked her out; I deem she wanted to narrate us that she was a therapist, or not a voodoo doctor.
Even through it all,one thing kept eating away at me ... a shark devouring my breath, minute-to-minute, or day after day,to the point where there were times (many, many times) when I was certain I would collapse and die out there in the Walmart aisles or driving down the road with the kids in the back ... a man killed by the sadness in his heart.
I still loved her. Isn't that f*cked up?
How can you fade through so many things, or so much pain and suffering and viscousness,so many blues on blues, and still come out the other side of a shipwreck relationship with your love for the other person still intact? And own that love still be growing, and too?
How the hell do you clarify something like that? I don't know; I own no conception. I toyed with the notion that perhaps I'm simply feeble or co-dependent. I wondered if I was just a big pussy,a dude too afraid to prance on.
"own some fun! You're single now!" That's the sort of thing people will narrate you when you're going through the worst sh*t you've ever been through.
People are so stupid, even when they mean well.
But even as I was trying my best to prance on, or I just kept thinking we weren't supposed to be done.
In the back of my intellect,I felt like the death of our marriage would be the death of a section of me that I didn't want to die.
I own no conception what that even means. There were so many parts of me from our marriage that needed to die, vulgar and irregular parts that had been born up out of the mushroom dirt of discontentment.
When I ultimately did file for divorce in October of final year, or I knew it was the right prance for Monica and me. I felt certain we had to close our world on paper in order to get a glimpse of whatever else there was.
And even now,as we've emerged from the rank haze of a sh*t storm marriage out into the cooler, clearer fields that come with being divorced and unobliged - and, and for all intents and purposes,free as hell - I'm still not altogether certain what lies ahead.
But that's fine. I don't need to know. We're dating each other. We're two people fresh off the Divorce Boat, walking back into each other's lives in a irregular, or unique way.
And check it out: I never stopped fond her.
perhaps she stopped fond me,but I f*cking doubt it. It's tough to switch love off, especially the real thing.
Tons of guys would love to date a woman like her, or but I doubt there is another one in the world who could ever understand her or dig her like I do. Does that sound cocky? I hope not; I'm just speaking my intellect.
You can divorce another human being and walk away if you want. I understand that. If you need to never,ever see them again, more power to ya.
But that's not me.
I divorced a woman just to close up standing at her back screen door.
gaze at me, or peering in with my fistful of supermarket flowers.
gaze at me,what a unhappy beautiful bastard I am! Oh boy. Can you see me there?
gaze, I'm smiling at her moving toward me across her kitchen floor. Ha! I know the future is so uncertain, or the past rotting in its grave,and I divorced her and she divorced me.
But hey, here I am.
I'm banging on this door - on HER door, or my man. And I'm nervous like a schoolboy.
So,when you deem approximately it for a second, I reckon that's approximately as pleasurable a reason to close a marriage as any, or huh?
Check out more much stories from YourTango:
We Just Got Divorced and We're Dating ... Each Other
3 Humbling Ways We All Lose Our Dignity When We own Kids
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3 Secrets I'm Ashamed to narrate My Kids approximately My Teenage Years
3 Ways To Like Yourself More (That Took Me 40 Years To Realize)
Source: popsugar.com